HP vs P&P
by Calebski
Summary: It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone needs a bit of something silly every now and again. And this is VERY silly. Sirimione Darcy and Elizabeth, short bursts of randomness.
1. Chapter The First

_A/N: This is a weird thing I posted on Tumblr a while ago and have now cleaned up to post here. It started as a dream I had about a Pride & Prejudice and Harry Potter crossover crackfic [that I will never write]. With Hermione as Elizabeth, Sirius as Darcy and Riddle as 'I'm here to fuck everything up' Wickham. Keep in mind it's hopelessly out of order with the events of P&P and is just intended to be little snippets of randomness._

* * *

 **Tom Riddle** (George Wickham): I am sure you would have noticed Miss Granger, given your keen sense of observation, the odd nature of my greeting with Mr Black the other day.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Well, I

[Tom dramatically turns in the nearby candlelight, shooting a pained look into the distance]

 **Tom Riddle** (George Wickham): We have a checkered past. Some might call it... Dark. Mr Black didn't turn up and join my… * _intense coughing_ * political group like he promised, I ended up losing a lot of money and a great deal of pride over the matter.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Oh how awful [slides her hand onto Tom's arm] I'm not surprised, though, he's been a total wanker since he got here.

* * *

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): [looking at an unknown man that has unwittingly crossed her path] Well, where's his black robe? I don't care three straws for a man without one.

 **Parvati Patil** (Kitty Bennet): * _incoherent squealing_ *

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): I mean, he hasn't even got a shiny silver mask, it's like he's not trying.

* * *

 **James Potter** (Mr Bingley): [seeing Lily Evans (Jane Bennet) for the first time at the Hogsmeade assembly ball] I'm going to marry her, now, like right now. Do you think the churches are still open?

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _Disdainful pureblood scowl TM_ *

 **James Potter** (Mr Bingley): I'm going to buy her a pony, girls like ponies, or a boat… or a house. Maybe all of it, perhaps a house for the horses that I will buy, and one for the boat.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _facepalm_ *

* * *

[At Lucas Lodge]

 **Luna Lovegood** (Charlotte Lucas): Mr Black looks over a here a great deal, Hermione.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): He does look over here often, I wonder what he can mean by it?

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _intense eye fucking_ *

* * *

 **Cormac McLaggen** (Mr Collins): I really think your refusal comes too quickly Hermione.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): I assure you, Mr McLaggen, I am earnest in my response.

 **Cormac McLaggen** (Mr Collins): More fool you, do you have any idea what I've got going on underneath this outfit?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet):

 **Cormac McLaggen** (Mr Collins): Dick for days, Miss Granger. Dick. For. Days.

* * *

 **Molly Weasley** (Mrs. Bennet): Are you insane for rejecting Mr Mclaggen, Hermione? No Easter eggs for you.

* * *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): So in summary, despite me finding your whole family entirely repellant, to my horror and surprise I find your bookish personality and need to speak every thought that passes through your mind totally without a filter strangely endearing. Will you do me the honour of becoming the next Mrs Black?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): * _Incoherent rageful screaming_ *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Really? You're not jumping at this?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): * _Something about house elves_ *

[Sirius, enraged, walks to the door before pausing for a moment looking back over his shoulder, flicking his hair artfully]

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): I got the fancy thing right though, yeah? Like that would be a bit of a blow.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): * _slightly flushed_ * Oh yeah, I mean, you're a total arse, but beautiful in an otherworldly way that will make me start hating myself in about three weeks.

* * *

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy) **:** Why am I in a dress?


	2. Chapter The Second

**Molly Weasley** (Mrs. Bennet): Well girls I hope you're all ready to die in the hedgerows. Your father flatly refuses to call on Mr Potter and as you know we cannot go if he will not.

 **Parvati Patil** (Kitty Bennet): * _inconsiderate coughing_ *

 **Albus Dumbledore** (Mr Bennet): You mistake me, my dear, I have already called on him.

 **Molly Weasley** (Mrs. Bennet): * _shrill tones_ * What an excellent father you have girls, haven't I always said so?

 **Lily Evans** (Jane Bennet): But why say you hadn't gone, father?

[faint squawking sound followed by a loud bang]

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): Where did he go?

* * *

[Sirius crosses the room to get nearer to Hermione, but is intercepted by Slughorn]

 **Horace Slughorn** (Sir William Lucas): Hello there, I couldn't help notice you looked rather important and thought I should introduce myself.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): And you are?

 **Horace Slughorn** (Sir William Lucas): _*awkward laughing*_ Oh, I'm a pretty big deal.

* * *

 **Lily Evans** (Jane Bennet): Hermione, did you hear that Mr Riddle pursued sweet Miss Weasley (Mary King) all the way to London?

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): Sweet, Miss. Weasley? Sweet. Miss Ginevra Weasley?

 **Lily Evans** (Jane Bennet):

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): We argued last year in a hat shop and she punched me in the face.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): I wouldn't call it a punch.

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): There were claw marks.

* * *

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet):[in conversation with Luna Lovegood (Charlotte Lucas)] Well, I'm not saying that Riddle is the _best man ever_ , I'm just saying that I haven't met anyone that could hold a candle to his unbelievable poise, tone of address and frankly, cheekbones. He's just so bloody agreeable…

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _interrupting noises_ *

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): [turning] Oh for fuc… [sees who it is]

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Miss Granger, could I ask for this dance?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): _*blushing to the roots of her hair*_ Oh yes, of course, it would be an honour.

[Sirius walks away]

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): [Mimes sticking her fingers down her throat]

 **Luna Lovegood** (Charlotte Lucas): Impressive, I'd work on the look of disgust though, men tend to find that off-putting.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet):

* * *

 **Remus Lupin** (Colonel Fitzwilliam): May I say, Miss Granger, what a pleasure it has been to meet you?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): _*swoons*_ You may.

* * *

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): I can't believe you won't let me got to Brighton!

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): You can't behave yourself here, I can only imagine the mischief you would cause staying in a whole camp full of Death Eaters.

 **Lavender Brown** (Lydia Bennet): [Fans herself] A whole camp full of Death Eaters.

* * *

[Writing a letter]

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Please tell me, Aunt, unless you feel bound by the same level of secrecy that Lavender seems to believe necessary, how did Mr Black come to be there?

[Reading the letter]

 **Minerva McGonagall** (Aunt Gardiner): Brightest witch of her age my arse.

* * *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Regulus!

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): [walks into view]

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): [looks him up and down and his mouth falls open]

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): Before you say anything I like the dress, and I'm keeping it.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): [Shakes himself] and the bonnet?

* * *

 _A/N: one more slice of crazy to follow!_


	3. Chapter The Last

_A/N: The final_ instalment _, in which everybody_ mumbles _. Thank you for following this crazy slice of silly!_

* * *

 **Pansy Parkinson** (Miss Bingley): * _incoherent snobbery_ *

 **James Potter** (Mr Bingley): * _indignantly_ * I'll have you know I did not notice the mud on her gown, I thought she looked remarkably well.

 **Pansy Parkinson** (Miss Bingley): [recovering herself] _You_ must have noticed Mr Black?

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _mumbling_ " I'm not fucking blind.

 **Pansy Parkinson** (Miss Bingley): What?

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Oh, err… mud I… did… find…

 **Pansy Parkinson** (Miss Bingley): _*coyly*_ Well, I'm sure that changed your appreciation of her [makes bunny ear motion] 'fine eyes' _._

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _mumbling_ * I wasn't looking at her eyes.

* * *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): I would ask that you not sketch my character at this point, Miss Granger, the exercise might not reflect well on either of us.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Why ever not?

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Well, for one, I look terrible in this light.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet):

* * *

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): I cannot believe you are going to marry him, Luna, Mr Mclaggan has nothing to recommend him.

 **Luna Lovegood** (Charlotte Lucas): Really? _*raises an eyebrow knowingly*_ He has nothing?

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): _*blushes furiously*_

 **Luna Lovegood** (Charlotte Lucas): That's what I thought.

* * *

[Reading Sirius' letter]

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Shit.

* * *

 **Tom Riddle** (George Wickham): I am most exceedingly obliged to you all, for inviting me and my new wife [looks over at Lavender and visibly shudders] to your home. I am… _honoured_ to be part of your… [loosens his collar] _noble_ family.

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet)  & **Albus** **Dumbledore** (Mr Bennet): * _mumbling_ * Twat.

* * *

 **Myrtle** (Mary Bennet): [into an empty room] It's not fair!

* * *

[after Lily accepts his proposal]

 **James Potter** (Mr Bingley): [runs from the house lifting his shirt over his head] THIS IS THE BEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE!

[from the window]

 **Hermione Granger** (Elizabeth Bennet): Another fine addition to the clusterfuck that is our family.

 **Lily Evans** (Jane Bennet): * _defensively_ * he grows on you.

[James comes back into view, skidding to a halt on his knees disturbing a family of ducks]

 **Lily Evans** (Jane Bennet): Surely we should give him points for enthusiasm?

* * *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Regulus!

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): [Comes into view]

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Care to explain this?

[Hands over a letter containing an offer of marriage]

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): * _Blushes_ *

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Well?

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): I met him at a dance, he offered me a huge sum to marry him.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): What dance? You're not even out!

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): * _mumbles_ * Like you have a clue, you're never here, off pissing about in the country. You missed tequila Friday last week.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): * _Absentmindedly_ * How much is a huge sum anyway?

 **Regulus Black** (Georgiana Darcy): Forty thousand pounds.

 **Sirius Black** (Mr Darcy): Fuuucccckkk!


End file.
